Hello there, I’m listening…

I suppose… It was my wanting for being sought after. I wanted to help people and of course it looks easier than what it is. This part of my life I’ll actually leave a lot open, I’m not too happy about it and what took me a long time for me to say to my fiancée won’t just be spilled within a couple of minutes over the internet.  I will say that it went well in the bringing. I talked, a lot. It seems what most people in highschool wanted is just to be able to talk, just to explain themselves or to hear what someone else thought that wouldn’t go running around telling everyone.

       The first that I’ll admit to was a boy on the football team. I remember it mostly because of how he approached me. I was walking from a class (PE if my mind is correct) and since I was spreading my name around he came to talk to me. He could have just asked but because he felt he needed to be forceful he slightly picked me and said “Can I talk to you?” in one of the most surprising soft voices I think I’ve ever heard. Of course it was a little cliché to find out that he was Bi-sexual, hiding his recent boyfriends from his father started to stress him out, he wanted to quit football and try something new. It was hard to talk to him, I was actually afraid if I said something wrong he would kill me, but after a few hours of talking (after school that is) He came to the resolve to tell his father. From what I hear after that he quit football after that season and started soccer, I never really found out what him and his father went through.

 There were more, many more. I started to become a little too popular with people, times rolled by when whole days I spent listening to people and their problems, I actually started to feel a little better about mine, but felt guilty for not being able to do more. I wanted to start the physical abuse a sixteen year old girl went through, I wanted to hurt the father of an eighteen year old for beating his wife ever night in front of him and his little sister. I wanted to do more, I wanted help the thousand of other problems that started to surround me as if I was really them. I put myself in their shoes and I felt as if I lived their lives till that very point in time when they spoke to me. But I found out that hearing and feeling their problems was different from living them. I lived through a problem. I lived through a death, I lived through a near killing, I lived through gun shot, I lived though a stabbing, but something I didn’t want to live through was brought back from my past. Something I didn’t look back on till the day it slapped me in the face.

                           But to say what happens I believe I should say what when on before that. Why something struck me so strongly. I had a friend named Aaron, this was years prior to the Divorce and everything else. At first me and Aaron hated each other, at such a young age, it comes easily to hate someone. We fought regularly and after a time we became friends. If I remember correctly it happened very soon after becoming friends, He wanted to play Hide-N-Seek. As we were young, that was an immediate yes and we started. I was ‘it’ first and found him fast, then it was him he found me almost as easy, this went on back and forth for a good time till he stopped me from counting and told me “Count to a hundred, I’m going to find a spot where no one will ever find me!” he said it so triumphantly, so sure. I turned away and began to count, I probably counted to about two hundred or so because I lost track a few times.

“Ready or not here I come!” I shouted and started to run. There was a sort of broke down building, with stalls in  it, I believe it was a public bathroom at one time, but I’ll never be sure. It was the last place for me to look, the last place I wanted to look. the place terrified me, It was about an hour that had passed before I knew I had to look there, I walked in timidly. I think of it now and it really is a sad story. I was enjoying the sun, the wind in my long messy hair as I run looking for him, Having fun as he did something completely different. I walked in and opened a stall, nothing, another, nothing again, another, nothing again. I moved to the last stall and pushed it open with my foot, a smile on my face already to laugh and say I found him, nothing. But for some reason I heard  a thud, actually to be more specific the sound a shoe makes when hitting the wall. I run to the corner of tha last stall to where the urinals are, and there he was. I’m not going to get graphic but he hung himself. I didn’t know his family’s problems nor at that age even care, but he did, he lived through it. Only years later did I find out all the things that were wrong, I felt wrong for not noticing. I wish he didn’t do it, I wish he didn’t find a hiding spot that no one can find him. I wish I could have found him sooner.

That’s where I’ll stop for now. nearly hitting a thousand words isn’t something I want to do every post. So, next time I’ll finish up.

To Enter a World Anew

                     After the fighting between everyone was over, things started to settle down, I started to go on these walks. Just around the block maybe, maybe father… I didn’t think much though, I know that, I just left and kept going till I got tired. That could have been my problem, maybe. I didn’t want to see where I was going because I had a feeling deep inside me telling me that no matter how hard I tried I wouldn’t get to pick where I was going. Even though it made me a little sad and somewhat tired of preaching my “You get to pick you own destiny, nothings written for you, you write it yourself” motto. Untill very recently of that moment  I did believe that though, How can anyone have said at any point in time that I would randomly grab a candy bar and eat it. But then I started to wonder if the big events were written down and the small stuff was up to me, at that point in time I wanted to find this writer and hit him with a shovel.

    I met a few good people with these walks, people I will never forget.  One was a girl, tall and skinny yet fun and bounce-y. and the other a boy, very tall and built large, and very shy. They became my friends, which up to this point I hadn’t had any. She was the shoulder to lean on when I needed it, he was the moral support I wanted, but mostly, we played video games together. I suppose over the next weeks we became close friends. My family was tear each other apart and they fought nearly every night on how or what we would eat. It usually ended with Hamburger Helper (which now I can’t stand to even look at the boxes) or Taco Bell. And even though the house was always clean, the house seemed to be leaning, falling, crumbling and in my mind looked like the house from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that Charlie lives in. My Grandma, my uncle, my mom and my Grandpa all tried to push each other away as each day passes, but my and my brother tried to keep out little sisters and my little brother together.

      Maybe I left that part out. I have an older brother, twin younger sisters and, a little brother. Me and my older brother tried to keep everyone at bay, calm. But there’s only so much a fifteen and a seventeen year old boy can do. What we did do was take care of our sisters and brothers, making sure they got their homework done, getting to school and the most importantly eating. It wasn’t just once I had to give my food to my little brother or my sisters, they were growing they needed it more than me. But as they grew I became thin and frail looking, My clothing began to fall off of me and I found it important to always look angry, so I wouldn’t be picked on at school.

 But I wanted something different, I got from school and I went to my friend’s houses, stayed there till a hour from dinner and went home. Same routine everyday. At school I started doing a loans things, I became a loan shark, lending out money and when it wasn’t paid back I wanted interest as time went on. I hated myself for it, I hated that I picked on the kids who felt the same way I did, i hated it that I lost my friends for trying to make money to eat dinner. I hated myself because I enjoyed it. From school I would bring back these boxes of Little Debby junk food, It was sad that a chocolate roll filled with creme was lunch for my family. Dinner was all the could afford. I missed the old days with my step-dad when we had computers and laptops and a big screen tv, the pantry was filled with food. I missed the smiles, I missed the laughter… Now it’s difficult for our power bill to get paid.

             Things after that got complicated. I started to want to help people. I stopped the loaning thing. I hated myself enough for it. I wanted to make other people happy, I began to make money as a psychiatrist…But I’ll leave that for next post.

Start here, or End.

                     My name isn’t Matthew, I have a real name, I just won’t use it. I don’t want the people I talk about to know really. I have a Mother, had a Father, a have lots of brothers and sisters. My family seems to grow every time I wake up, which makes me sad because I know how hard it is to make it these days. Theres nothing supernatural or magical about it, only things to look back on and remember the hope that was once there. I’m going to post what my life is, what is was and what I want it to be, I guess sort of like a journal except everyone who wants can read it. I need to start somewhere so I’ll start where I think it began…..

      Remember, my name isn’t Matthew, nor are any of the names I’ll say are real.  I woke up the morning of the beginning and felt like it was the end. If I remember correctly that morning I contemplated what death felt like, something I used to do often. I rolled out of my bed and walked out of my room rolled up in my thin blue blanket that was once a huge comforter. I sat on the computer chair and played my video games with large headphones planted on my ears, I didn’t want to hear anything. But, of course shouting can be heard through anything, at least that is my theory, and it’s what I heard. Shouting and crying. I turned around, only for a second and I saw my step father walking out the door with a couple of bags filled with clothes.

Divorce happens, a lot I hear. And when you hear about it from a friend or a family member you don’t really understand the full power and strange unfairness of the word Divorce and what it brings. My stepfather Mike walked out of my mother, seems he was cheating on her. At first when i heard it from my Grandmother I felt nothing, I thought to my self “It happens too much to really matter.” I went back to my game and put my over-sized headphones back on, and put my mind to other things.  Something as small as a man leaving a woman can start a chain of events, it literally changed my life. and of course when he left my mother, it was the day before my fifteenth birthday. I look back on that and wonder if that made any difference.

       I now sit in a room with a lovely woman I call my fiancée and wonder what will happen next. My life likes to take unexpected turns. I live in a different state then when I started and I’m still hitting dead ends, but in the end I’ll be happy, I hope. But what I am now doesn’t matter to this blog, nor any other blog. But what I went through to get here, It’s a story that haunts me even to this day. I hope I can write it down because I still have problems thinking about it. Just remember, out of all this, all the things I go through, all the hate I feel, all the love I lose, I am not Matthew, and I will get to be happy at the end of this tunnel. Really long tunnel