My name isn’t Matthew, I have a real name, I just won’t use it. I don’t want the people I talk about to know really. I have a Mother, had a Father, a have lots of brothers and sisters. My family seems to grow every time I wake up, which makes me sad because I know how hard it is to make it these days. Theres nothing supernatural or magical about it, only things to look back on and remember the hope that was once there. I’m going to post what my life is, what is was and what I want it to be, I guess sort of like a journal except everyone who wants can read it. I need to start somewhere so I’ll start where I think it began…..
Remember, my name isn’t Matthew, nor are any of the names I’ll say are real. I woke up the morning of the beginning and felt like it was the end. If I remember correctly that morning I contemplated what death felt like, something I used to do often. I rolled out of my bed and walked out of my room rolled up in my thin blue blanket that was once a huge comforter. I sat on the computer chair and played my video games with large headphones planted on my ears, I didn’t want to hear anything. But, of course shouting can be heard through anything, at least that is my theory, and it’s what I heard. Shouting and crying. I turned around, only for a second and I saw my step father walking out the door with a couple of bags filled with clothes.
Divorce happens, a lot I hear. And when you hear about it from a friend or a family member you don’t really understand the full power and strange unfairness of the word Divorce and what it brings. My stepfather Mike walked out of my mother, seems he was cheating on her. At first when i heard it from my Grandmother I felt nothing, I thought to my self “It happens too much to really matter.” I went back to my game and put my over-sized headphones back on, and put my mind to other things. Something as small as a man leaving a woman can start a chain of events, it literally changed my life. and of course when he left my mother, it was the day before my fifteenth birthday. I look back on that and wonder if that made any difference.
I now sit in a room with a lovely woman I call my fiancée and wonder what will happen next. My life likes to take unexpected turns. I live in a different state then when I started and I’m still hitting dead ends, but in the end I’ll be happy, I hope. But what I am now doesn’t matter to this blog, nor any other blog. But what I went through to get here, It’s a story that haunts me even to this day. I hope I can write it down because I still have problems thinking about it. Just remember, out of all this, all the things I go through, all the hate I feel, all the love I lose, I am not Matthew, and I will get to be happy at the end of this tunnel. Really long tunnel
