After the fighting between everyone was over, things started to settle down, I started to go on these walks. Just around the block maybe, maybe father… I didn’t think much though, I know that, I just left and kept going till I got tired. That could have been my problem, maybe. I didn’t want to see where I was going because I had a feeling deep inside me telling me that no matter how hard I tried I wouldn’t get to pick where I was going. Even though it made me a little sad and somewhat tired of preaching my “You get to pick you own destiny, nothings written for you, you write it yourself” motto. Untill very recently of that moment I did believe that though, How can anyone have said at any point in time that I would randomly grab a candy bar and eat it. But then I started to wonder if the big events were written down and the small stuff was up to me, at that point in time I wanted to find this writer and hit him with a shovel.
I met a few good people with these walks, people I will never forget. One was a girl, tall and skinny yet fun and bounce-y. and the other a boy, very tall and built large, and very shy. They became my friends, which up to this point I hadn’t had any. She was the shoulder to lean on when I needed it, he was the moral support I wanted, but mostly, we played video games together. I suppose over the next weeks we became close friends. My family was tear each other apart and they fought nearly every night on how or what we would eat. It usually ended with Hamburger Helper (which now I can’t stand to even look at the boxes) or Taco Bell. And even though the house was always clean, the house seemed to be leaning, falling, crumbling and in my mind looked like the house from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that Charlie lives in. My Grandma, my uncle, my mom and my Grandpa all tried to push each other away as each day passes, but my and my brother tried to keep out little sisters and my little brother together.
Maybe I left that part out. I have an older brother, twin younger sisters and, a little brother. Me and my older brother tried to keep everyone at bay, calm. But there’s only so much a fifteen and a seventeen year old boy can do. What we did do was take care of our sisters and brothers, making sure they got their homework done, getting to school and the most importantly eating. It wasn’t just once I had to give my food to my little brother or my sisters, they were growing they needed it more than me. But as they grew I became thin and frail looking, My clothing began to fall off of me and I found it important to always look angry, so I wouldn’t be picked on at school.
But I wanted something different, I got from school and I went to my friend’s houses, stayed there till a hour from dinner and went home. Same routine everyday. At school I started doing a loans things, I became a loan shark, lending out money and when it wasn’t paid back I wanted interest as time went on. I hated myself for it, I hated that I picked on the kids who felt the same way I did, i hated it that I lost my friends for trying to make money to eat dinner. I hated myself because I enjoyed it. From school I would bring back these boxes of Little Debby junk food, It was sad that a chocolate roll filled with creme was lunch for my family. Dinner was all the could afford. I missed the old days with my step-dad when we had computers and laptops and a big screen tv, the pantry was filled with food. I missed the smiles, I missed the laughter… Now it’s difficult for our power bill to get paid.
Things after that got complicated. I started to want to help people. I stopped the loaning thing. I hated myself enough for it. I wanted to make other people happy, I began to make money as a psychiatrist…But I’ll leave that for next post.
